


she closes her eyes, she can only see green

by Singing_Siren



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 10:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18715366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singing_Siren/pseuds/Singing_Siren
Summary: She doesn’t tell anyone about the dreams. The dreams that leave her crying into her pillow. The dreams that break her. She can’t tell anyone. They would think less of her. She’s the Black Widow, a feared assassin. She can’t be scared of one stupid memory.-Otherwise known as: Natasha was attacked by the Hulk and she isn't over it. Maria helps.





	she closes her eyes, she can only see green

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is a downer, sorry peoples.

She doesn’t tell anyone about the dreams. The dreams that leave her crying into her pillow. The dreams that break her. She can’t tell anyone. They would think less of her. She’s the Black Widow, a feared assassin. She can’t be scared of one stupid memory.

But here she is.

Laying in bed, sheets at her feet, tears streaking down her face, the flashes of green burned into her eyelids. 

It shouldn’t still bother her. It’s been years. But still. She wakes up at ungodly times of the morning, silently sobbing. She learned a long time ago that when people notice your pain, you are weak. So, she doesn’t say anything. Besides, the dreams don’t come every night. They’re down to once a month these days.

Until something happens.

The intel they got was bad. They walked right into a trap, lost three of their agents. Natasha took a bullet to the shoulder. They move to a safehouse, hoping that Shield will contact them in the morning.

Maria pulls her into a room, grumbling about the blood staining her shirt. They get along well enough, so Natasha doesn’t pull away. She does, however, put enough distance in between them that she feels comfortable with.

Maria just raises an eyebrow, saying nothing. She pulls out a medical kit from the dresser and moves toward her. Natasha doesn’t move away. She lets the other woman treat her wound, staring at the wall opposite her. She lets Maria pull her shirt over her head and replace it with one not stained with red.

They move to the bed, a considerable distance between them. They let the silence thicken. Maria’s breathing slows, and Natasha lets that lull her into a fitful sleep.

Then the green comes.

It always starts out calm. Then there’s the noise. She falls, her body taking the impact as something big screams. Metal grinds against metal. An alarm goes off somewhere on the helicarrier. She groans. Then the fear sets in, a horrible chill that creeps down her spine.

Green rushes toward her. Loki talked about the red on her ledger, but no one knows about the green.

She’s running.

A large hand grips her shoulder and sends her spiraling backwards. Her body slams into a wall of pipes. Pain, everywhere. But she gets up. She can’t take him on her own, so she runs. Her feet pound against the grated floor. She tries to outrun him, but she can’t. He’s too big, too fast. He grabs her by the neck. She bites back a scream.

Then, like in every other dream, the hand squeezes, and her eyes open.

She can feel the tears, but she can also feel the warm body beside her. She doesn’t move. As the tears run down her face, she tries not to twitch, tries to keep the sobs in. She doesn’t succeed. One moment she’s silent, and the next she’s whimpering, the sobs seeping through her self-made walls. Her nails dig into her palms.

Calm hands stop her nails, warm fingers prying cold ones from the bloody indents they made. Natasha doesn’t recognise the voice whispering smoothly to her, but she knows she feels safe. There aren’t many people who can make her feel safe, so she might as well be weak.

She whimpers again as green flashes into her vision. She blinks through her tears, trying to keep away the images of her blood smeared against the Hulk’s fists. Sometimes, in her dreams, he plays with her. He tortures her before he snaps her neck. Tonight she got lucky. He let her run before he killed her.

“Natasha,” that voice whispers. It’s nothing like the rough growl from her dreams. “You’re okay. You’re at a Shield safe house. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

She looks up and meets blue eyes. The concern she sees in them almost breaks her again. Nobody should be worried about her, she’s a monster. Only a monster could be this weak. She’s a coward. This shouldn’t affect her the way it does. It was years ago, she tries to tell herself, but it never works.

“Nat, listen to me. You are safe.” Arms wrap around her shoulders, holding her against their body. “Remember the mission? You got shot. I patched you up. We lost three agents, but you got out alive. You are alive, Natasha.”

“M-Maria?” she asks as her mind comes back to her. She freezes. She’s weak. She’s crying in front of someone, someone she would consider a friend. She needs to get away.

“Don’t you dare think about leaving this bed,” Maria says, her voice low. “You’re shaking.”

Natasha drops her head back onto her pillow. She breathes in and wills her body to be still. Her heartbeat returns to normal. Her breathing mellows out. She can do this. She can get away from anything. She’s the Black Widow, and she was raised from the beginning to be an excellent actor. So, she acts.

“I’m okay,” she says, making sure her voice is steady. Her face is blank.

“No, you’re not. Talk to me, Nat. I know you, and I can tell that you haven’t been okay for a while.”

Should she tell her? She can’t. It’s stupid. She’s an assassin; she has faced worse than an angry, green monster. But Maria feels safe. She doesn’t let herself wonder about what that means, she already knows.

“I’m weak,” is what she says instead. She closes her eyes and faces the green. Tears slip down her face, only to be wiped away by warm fingers.

“No, you’re not. You are one of the strongest people I know.”

Natasha laughs weakly. “And you know the Hulk.” Her voice is empty. Her hands flex, longing to dig her nails back into her palms, to feel  _ something _ .

“Yes, yes I do. Does he have something to do with this?”

Fuck, she gave too much away. “No.”

“Nat, don’t lie to me.”

Those simple words make her cave. They are spoken so softly and carefully, and Natasha doesn’t realise she’s talking until she is. “Before the Battle of New York, Banner and I were caught in the destruction in a part of the helicarrier. It ended badly.” She grimaces, feeling the phantom grip around her neck.

“Oh,  _ Nat _ ,” Maria whispers, and she has to squeeze her eyes shut against the tears that build up. She shouldn’t be getting pitied like this. She can deal on her own. Except, she hasn’t been dealing. She’s been surviving.

“I’m not weak,” she protests through the tears.

“I know. You are so strong.” Maria pulls her against her chest and tucks her head underneath her own chin. “You’re so strong, Natasha, and that’s why I know that you will get through this.”

“I-I don’t think I can,” she chokes out. She has to admit it to herself. She’s been avoiding the truth for far too long.

“Then we’ll do it together.” Maria places a gentle kiss on Natasha’s forehead.

It will take time, she thinks, but she has to get through it. And if Maria’s touch is the only thing that keeps away the memories, then you better damn well believe that Natasha will let herself love her. She was already in love with her from the beginning. Maybe love isn’t just for children.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you enjoy? Did you hate it? Was it totally ooc? Tell me what you thought! Also if you want to check out the other Marvel thing I am writing right now, it is called Friendly Neighborhood Trans Spider-Man, and it features motherly!Natasha.


End file.
